One of the deadly seven sins.
Deadly.
Going... 
Going... 
GONE!
Of late, I think I've committed this deadly sin far more than I can count with my toes. You would think that any woman after delivering a 7 pound baby would be really desperate to lose ALL the rest of the excess baggage so as to resume her identity as a "woman", not just a "mother". Yep, I missed the train stop.
I thought...somehow the pounds would shed off by itself "miraculously" with the help of breast-feeding and all that loss of sleep. After nearly 2 months of breastfeeding and still lack of sleep, only 2 pounds were dropped off the scale. (Hmmmm...come to think of it, maybe I should weigh myself after the baby has suckled my boobs dry, not before)
During this 1st month after the baby was born, I understood why women suffer from post-partum depression after going through a brief bout of "baby blues" myself. It all started after my mom & sister returned to Singapore and my husband is back at work, leaving me home alone with a 24/7 demanding and colicky baby. To suddenly discover myself seeped in sadness with the blinds drawn on a sunny day and cooped up in the dark room with a screamin' n kickin' baby, I couldn't help but feel despondent as tears well up in my eyes over the smallest reasons.
My movements out of the house were limited to where I could push the stroller, i.e., my own neighbourhood. The damn train stations here are so old and shitty they are not retrofitted with elevators - there is no way I can carry the strollers up and down all those stairs when I am still recovering from a major operation.
Trapped. Like a caged bird.
To top it all off, the sudden weight of being responsible for a baby can be overwhelming. All along, I have been responsible for my own self only and now to be held accountable and responsible for another life???
All that emotions coursing through your veins can drive anyone digging into the darkest pits. Not to mention the fact that you are still carrying all that rolls of stretched out skin with that horrendous tributary of stretch marks over your unrecognizable tummy AND still fitting ONLY into your maternity clothes. WOW. Aren't men lucky?
Now, I understood the conflicting trauma all these women had gone through. Instead of being the picture-perfect happy new mom, you feel like both the truck+ambulance slammed into you head on. This is tough shit. No wonder some moms shake their babies. Let's not even go there. *shivers* Brooke Shields herself went through a year-long plague of post partum depression. Even beautiful people are not spared.
So, instead of turning to Prozac for help, I turned to food. With hormonal imbalances out of the way, my taste buds returned in full force with a scary vengeance. Too scary, in fact.
I scuffed down McVities chocolate covered biscuits before bedtime, lathered Nutella generously on my breakfast toast every morning, added dollops of butter to every dish I cooked, piled on the bacon in my sandwich, popped pyramids of Toblerone into my mouth as quick as they melt, baked cookies with 3x the amount of chocolate chips called for in the recipe and dumped tablespoons of sugar into my tea. I lost control.
The sugar rush I got actually made me sick.
But hey!!! The depression lifted! =)
Actually, it just went away after I got more settled into the swing of having a baby in my life. We adjusted to each other and there is now sunshine streaming through my bedroom windows and Theoden is now sleeping at least 6-7 hours in the night(whew!).
As the days pass, you start to really fall in love with your baby. Every coo coming out of the baby makes your heart melt into gazillion pieces, you get so fascinated with the growth rate of his eyelashes(I stare at it for hours) and whenever he makes a funny face, you can't help break into a grin in response. Oh, the tiny hands and feet really gets me too. They are simply deliciously adorable! Kissing baby feet is my new fetish.The tremendous love and support of my husband helped a lot too. The depression didn't last long but it gave me an insight into how difficult it can be for women who are unable to escape from it. And I am SO glad I am free of it.
With sunshine back in our lives, we're now back to more wholesome and healthy cooking. And I think I just shed 1 pound. Hehe... My husband is even more amazing - after jogging for 3 consecutive days, he claims to have lost 1 kg every day! If only it happens with breastfeeding...
While Theoden naps in his quiet corner in the afternoons these days, I hang out with Julia Child, Jean-Georges Vongerichten, James Beard, Jamie Oliver and the likes. Their cookbooks, I mean.
Piles of them are scattered all over the dining table as I scour each book for recipes. Of course, dessert is something I plan first before the main course and with the help of Gramercy Tavern's talented pastry chef, Claudia Fleming, I venture boldly into duplicating her award-winning desserts in my kitchen. Her book, "The Last Course", showed me how I can enjoy the sweets with dignity, minus the guilt. Chocolate Brownie Cookie
Super decadent with a soft, chewy texture and a cracked surface that makes your heart stop with just one glance.White Chocolate Espresso Tart
What better way to say "I Love You"?Now, I just need an ice-cream making machine to make all those yummy sounding Basil ice-cream, Eggnog ice cream, Earl Grey ice cream, Blood Orange Sorbet and Prune-Armagnac ice cream. Ooh-lah-lah...!!!
The last word: With an ice-cream maker, who has time to be depressed? *wink*
